What if Singleness is Your Normal? Part 3A

by Holly DeKorte

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”  Proverbs 31:25 

Last week, we began looking at the points from Aaron’s sermon on singleness and how they have realistically played out in my own life. I am sharing my story of singleness with the hope it will encourage God’s people to love and value countercultural singles in a tangible way. Let us continue looking at the last four points (editor’s note, we split the last blog into 2 weeks because of the length. This blog will cover points 4 and 5 from Aaron’s message found HERE. Next week will finish with points 6 and 7).   

4. Get your life in order before inviting others into it.
As you may have inferred from the last two blog posts, I am a romantic idealist with achiever-like tendencies. Point number four is the most dangerous for people like me. “Get your life in order” has the potential to morph into works-righteousness, the belief that one can earn God’s favor or blessings. In my twenties, I believed that “getting your life in order” meant getting a master’s degree. Most recently, I went back to school for my Administrator Credential. My job is stable, my savings account is solid, and I even own a house here in Santa Maria. I am prepared for marriage and family! (Proverbs 24:27).   

Friends, marriage is a gift, and it is not a gift that I can hope to earn, nor one that I am owed. Marriage is actually one of the first gifts given by the Creator and Sustainer of all things. Yes, there is responsibility on our part. If you are playing video games all the time, are partying like its 1999, or are not living a healthy lifestyle, then I would venture to say you are probably not ready for marriage. These kinds of behaviors are not in step with the way of wisdom Proverbs describes. HOWEVER, God still gives this gift to those who we would say are not prepared. I do not pretend to know the mind of God, but I have seen how marriage has been used to help young people grow up. There is nothing like a sick baby to mature a man!  

I have been told so many times, “Holly, marriage will come when you least expect it!” There is a problem with this... now I have something that I need to do. I need to NOT expect marriage.  William Carey, a Protestant missionary once said, “Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God.” Though the theology can be debated, this quote reflects how God has created me as an individual. Placing the “no expectation” expectation on me might as well be telling me not to breathe! Instead of taking a works-centered approach to marriage, I need to be reminded that God is the trustworthy giver of gifts. He has currently gifted me with singleness. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can do that will earn me the marriage gift.

5. Guard your heart.
This point is perhaps the most countercultural of all. Guess what? I desire physical intimacy... isn’t that shocking? A Christian single woman wants “that!” She must be sinning! Quick! Judge her for wanting the rights of marriage! Tell her that at least she has friends and family who love her!  Friendship love must be able to take the place of marriage love, right? My heart breaks for all single Christians who find themselves with this unmet, Godly desire, and especially for those who do not feel the freedom to express this grief. We are called quite clearly to marriage and sex only between a husband and wife. Aaron has described this as “the normative call God places on His people.” God proclaims marriage good. He uses marriage to build His Church and also as an illustration of the intimacy He shares with His Church. It is not wrong to desire this call; however, it is wrong (as I discussed last week) to make marriage an idol. Let us assume that most countercultural singles desire marriage, and also desire God’s will above their own. How on earth are they to survive in a sex-crazed culture? 

Firstly, I must speak the Gospel to myself daily. My hope is in God alone. It is not in an online dating site. It is not in a man. It is not in family or friends. It is in the One who came to restore His creation back to good. It is in the One who died a death of substitutionary atonement. It is in the One who breaks the chains of Satan, sin, and death. The Gospel keeps my desire for God first in my heart. I desire to proclaim His name among the nations, to reflect His glory, and to disciple others to Him. As the hymn goes, “Thou and thou only first in my heart; High King of heaven my treasure thou art.”

Secondly, I must realize how my heart is guarded. Philippians 4:7 states, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Jesus is the guardian of my heart; He gives me peace that I do not understand. He really has all authority. As I date someone, I earnestly pray, “God, if this is not the relationship you have for me, open my eyes. Make it clear. Intercede and fight for me.” He does and sometimes I fight back, trying to hold onto something that isn’t right (more about that in point 7). My will does, eventually, become God’s will. My heart is placed in His care. The world of promiscuity is tempting, yet my desire for God is stronger.   

As the Church, pray. Pray that those living a countercultural single life will see how God uses them to proclaim His name and pray that their foremost desire is for Him. Also, if you know singles who are compatible (meaning they both currently walk with the Lord, are in the same age range, have similar lifestyles, and desire to be married), play matchmaker! Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. That is okay! Many singles appreciate an introduction and look at it as an opportunity to get to know someone new. Always check with both individuals, though, before proceeding and certainly pray about it.