“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”  Proverbs 31:25 

Editor’s note: Holly’s last blog ended up being long enough that we broke it into 2 weeks. You can find the first half of this BLOG HERE.) Holly has been sharing her story of singleness with the hope it will encourage God’s people to love and value countercultural singles in a tangible way. If you missed Aaron message you can find it HERE. Now, on to the last blog in this series.

6. Do life with God- that means in a Gospel Centered community.
This is the point where I could be called many things including (but not limited to): bitter, cynical, judgmental, critical, and unforgiving. These are attitudes of my heart that I know can be dark and sinful. Yet, I want to tell the truth out of love.

Do you know where, as a single, I have felt the most pain and heartache? It hasn’t been with my family or at work. It hasn’t been with my friends, enjoying their company. It has been at Element and Element functions But, but, but...we’re Element! We do church “differently”; we’re not like those “other” churches! In my experience, there is sometimes a glass wall that separates singles from those who are married. The glass wall is not always present, but do I run into it at Element and it hurts. Debating who is responsible for the wall does not help us to actually break it down. Ephesians 4:13-16 shows us a picture of how the Church should be: joined with our head (Christ) and held together through Him. Glass walls should not exist at all.

It is rather easy to be unseen or overlooked as a single in any church. Programs catering to families and children are often the norm. We, at Element, pride ourselves on the fact that our church has Gospel Community (GC), not programs. You are supposed to be seen and known in GC. This has been my experience, to a certain extent. Here’s a question for you, though… What do you do if there is a single in another GC who is at your church? Do you think to yourself, “Oh, he is someone else’s responsibility,” or do you think, “What could I do to get to know that individual?” My point is Element is the Body of Christ. We, not only our GCs, are supposed to be a family. Look beyond your Gospel Community! See others who happen to be in your view. Engage them in conversation. You might even find yourself a new swimming buddy.

Oftentimes, singles are the ones initiating friendships. My most valued relationships at Element are definitely reciprocated. Many include walks, talks, beach trips, pool trips, kids’ soccer games, and wine nights. I am grateful for these friendships and by no means want to minimize them. However, more can be done. Random text messages are gifts. It means someone is thinking of me. In a world where I have not met the “one” on whose mind I’ll always be, this is encouraging. I am a busy person, but I do have flexibility in my schedule. Sunday afternoon is an especially vulnerable time for me, as I imagine weekends may be for other singles. Usually my grocery shopping is done, I’ve spent time with my family, the papers are graded, the chores are completed, and then I am alone. If you get a text from me on Sunday, it is me literally crying out for company. On my end, I need to be better about planning dinners with people. What could you do on your end? It’s something I challenge you to prayerfully consider.

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.”  Proverbs 31:25 

Last week, we began looking at the points from Aaron’s sermon on singleness and how they have realistically played out in my own life. I am sharing my story of singleness with the hope it will encourage God’s people to love and value countercultural singles in a tangible way. Let us continue looking at the last four points (editor’s note, we split the last blog into 2 weeks because of the length. This blog will cover points 4 and 5 from Aaron’s message found HERE. Next week will finish with points 6 and 7).   

4. Get your life in order before inviting others into it.
As you may have inferred from the last two blog posts, I am a romantic idealist with achiever-like tendencies. Point number four is the most dangerous for people like me. “Get your life in order” has the potential to morph into works-righteousness, the belief that one can earn God’s favor or blessings. In my twenties, I believed that “getting your life in order” meant getting a master’s degree. Most recently, I went back to school for my Administrator Credential. My job is stable, my savings account is solid, and I even own a house here in Santa Maria. I am prepared for marriage and family! (Proverbs 24:27).   

Friends, marriage is a gift, and it is not a gift that I can hope to earn, nor one that I am owed. Marriage is actually one of the first gifts given by the Creator and Sustainer of all things. Yes, there is responsibility on our part. If you are playing video games all the time, are partying like its 1999, or are not living a healthy lifestyle, then I would venture to say you are probably not ready for marriage. These kinds of behaviors are not in step with the way of wisdom Proverbs describes. HOWEVER, God still gives this gift to those who we would say are not prepared. I do not pretend to know the mind of God, but I have seen how marriage has been used to help young people grow up. There is nothing like a sick baby to mature a man!  

I have been told so many times, “Holly, marriage will come when you least expect it!” There is a problem with this... now I have something that I need to do. I need to NOT expect marriage.  William Carey, a Protestant missionary once said, “Expect great things from God; attempt great things for God.” Though the theology can be debated, this quote reflects how God has created me as an individual. Placing the “no expectation” expectation on me might as well be telling me not to breathe! Instead of taking a works-centered approach to marriage, I need to be reminded that God is the trustworthy giver of gifts. He has currently gifted me with singleness. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that I can do that will earn me the marriage gift.

5. Guard your heart.
This point is perhaps the most countercultural of all. Guess what? I desire physical intimacy... isn’t that shocking? A Christian single woman wants “that!” She must be sinning! Quick! Judge her for wanting the rights of marriage! Tell her that at least she has friends and family who love her!  Friendship love must be able to take the place of marriage love, right? My heart breaks for all single Christians who find themselves with this unmet, Godly desire, and especially for those who do not feel the freedom to express this grief. We are called quite clearly to marriage and sex only between a husband and wife. Aaron has described this as “the normative call God places on His people.” God proclaims marriage good. He uses marriage to build His Church and also as an illustration of the intimacy He shares with His Church. It is not wrong to desire this call; however, it is wrong (as I discussed last week) to make marriage an idol. Let us assume that most countercultural singles desire marriage, and also desire God’s will above their own. How on earth are they to survive in a sex-crazed culture? 

Firstly, I must speak the Gospel to myself daily. My hope is in God alone. It is not in an online dating site. It is not in a man. It is not in family or friends. It is in the One who came to restore His creation back to good. It is in the One who died a death of substitutionary atonement. It is in the One who breaks the chains of Satan, sin, and death. The Gospel keeps my desire for God first in my heart. I desire to proclaim His name among the nations, to reflect His glory, and to disciple others to Him. As the hymn goes, “Thou and thou only first in my heart; High King of heaven my treasure thou art.”

Secondly, I must realize how my heart is guarded. Philippians 4:7 states, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Jesus is the guardian of my heart; He gives me peace that I do not understand. He really has all authority. As I date someone, I earnestly pray, “God, if this is not the relationship you have for me, open my eyes. Make it clear. Intercede and fight for me.” He does and sometimes I fight back, trying to hold onto something that isn’t right (more about that in point 7). My will does, eventually, become God’s will. My heart is placed in His care. The world of promiscuity is tempting, yet my desire for God is stronger.   

As the Church, pray. Pray that those living a countercultural single life will see how God uses them to proclaim His name and pray that their foremost desire is for Him. Also, if you know singles who are compatible (meaning they both currently walk with the Lord, are in the same age range, have similar lifestyles, and desire to be married), play matchmaker! Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. That is okay! Many singles appreciate an introduction and look at it as an opportunity to get to know someone new. Always check with both individuals, though, before proceeding and certainly pray about it.

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”  Proverbs 4:23

Last week I left you on a bit of a cliff hanger. I shared how God brought me back to Santa Maria and how the attitude of my heart was challenged as He was guiding me home. Finding myself back in Santa Maria meant something of an identity crisis that I inadvertently placed on myself.  I wasn’t “Holly, Child of the Most High King.” I was, “Holly, Matt’s sister,” “Holly, the DeKortes’ daughter,” “Holly, the world traveler who moved back home,” “Holly, the teacher,” and “Holly, the single.” In the years that have followed, God worked through His Word, the Holy Spirit, and even His Church to renew, redeem, and restore my identity. 

Aaron’s sermon on singleness is an excellent platform to discuss how God has accomplished this mighty task of restoring my identity and equipping me to live as a counter-cultural single.  The seven sermon points will also show how we, the Church, the Bride of Christ, can do a better job of valuing and loving singles. Let’s face it...singles need a whole lotta love, but probably not how you might expect! I don’t need another meme sent to me about waiting on the Lord. I need your families. I need your hugs.  I need laughter.  I need the Gospel.

1. Open your eyes and look around to what God is doing.
In my own words, be willing to accept the gifts that God has given or will give. This might be lifelong singleness or finding yourself as a stepparent to three kids. We do not get to dictate God’s grace in our lives, but we have the choice to be obedient to His call. He sees the bigger picture and knows our hearts! I’ve wrestled with this quite a bit and have had many a conversation with God about it. “But God, what if I don’t like the person you bring into my life?!”   Remember, He is a good father. Good fathers discipline and establish character in a loving, non-abusive, non-manipulative way.  

Looking around to what God is doing has helped me move past self-centeredness. Just this past fall, I took a class called Perspectives on World Mission (which I HIGHLY recommend).  God used the class to break my heart for those who do not know Him, who have not heard the good news of the Gospel. After taking the class, I began to believe that God might be calling me back overseas as a tentmaker missionary (one who has a “regular” job, and spreads the Gospel through working the job and living a Gospel-centered life.)  I met with a life coach, and he encouraged me to look around at what God might have me do here in Santa Maria instead.  That led to joining a prayer team for unreached people groups and also becoming involved with Royal Family Kids. Let me tell you, God has opened my eyes and saved me from my self-centered thinking. There is SO much He is doing in Santa Maria. Praise Him!

2. Don’t idolize (or idealize!) any relationship, worship Jesus!
This is where things get messy. In fact, I don’t really like to talk about it. Four years ago, I heard quite clearly to “be still,” specifically regarding singleness. Do you know how hard it is to be still and to try not to control your own life? A few years ago, I had had enough. I saw God giving good gifts to “everyone,” but me. I jumped on a dating site and met a man, who didn’t follow Christ or honor God. Yet, I let him into my life and heart because I so very much wanted marriage and a family. God, like He has done with all my relationships, protected me, and the relationship ended. Like the mother hen, He sheltered me under His wings. I got angry; I questioned His love for me. He took away what I wanted and I threw a fit, just like toddlers and even seasoned Christians are known to do. 

This led me to Redemption Groups, a ministry offered at Element. In my group, I was challenged to see marriage as what I had made it: an idol.  Michelle Gee asked me, “Would you still love God even if he never gave you a husband?” In my anger, I couldn’t answer that I would.  During the weeks that followed, God clearly showed me that He loves me. The phrase “the steadfast love of the Lord,” began to jump out at me while reading scripture. The Psalms especially illustrate how God’s children can cry out to Him, and by doing so, are reminded of God’s unfailing love (Psalm 145).  

I can’t say that stillness and knowing that God loves me came overnight. I had another big bump or two along the way, but Redemption Groups was definitely the catalyst God used in revealing my idol of marriage and who alone is worthy of worship. 

Brothers and sisters, please stand by the Christian singles who will need to grapple with that very difficult question: “Would you still love God even if He never gave you a spouse?” Pray that the Holy Spirit will open their eyes and hearts, that they will undoubtedly know their lives belong to God alone. Do not shame them; do cry with them. Do not give them false hope or stories about a 70-year-old woman who finally met her husband; do point to the source of all hope.

3. Seek wisdom and understanding.
My family is a picture of a gift I could not begin to deserve. God gave me wise, understanding parents who continue to walk beside me through this season of my life. Their support has not always been perfect, but their wise counsel and prayers have helped me to live a counter-cultural life. When they do not have the counsel that I need, they point me to people who might. “Talk to your brother. Talk to your sister (in-law).  Talk to your married friends. Talk to Deb Harman. Talk to God.” My mom will often say these words, sometimes in one sentence. Its great advice given by a great mom. 

I still have a desire for marriage, so a few months ago, I started talking to the four members of my immediate family about re-joining dating sites. I wanted them to give me feedback on my heart and whether it was ready for the online dating rollercoaster.  The last two months indeed have been an up and down journey.  Imagine receiving paragraphs and paragraphs from an eligible man and then the messages abruptly stop.  Imagine beginning a conversation with a person who then wants to meet you the very next day.  Imagine men who like to post pictures in their underwear and then wonder why you don’t feel comfortable Facetiming them. Imagine meeting someone with potential and then letting that person go.  My family and close friends continue to pray for me through this process. I am so thankful for their wisdom and support.

Next week, we will look at Aaron’s last four remaining sermon points regarding singleness. In the meantime, find a single to invite over for dinner! Get to know his or her story. You might be surprised to find a passionate, God-loving heart hidden behind the “single” identity.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

I love my life. Truly, I do. However, my life does not look like the typical almost-forty-year-old woman’s life. There is no husband to love, no children of my own to nurture, and no goodnight kisses, prayers, or hugs. I know what you are thinking. I know, because I have been told...

“Be thankful that you don’t have an abundance of dishes to do!”  

“Enjoy doing what you want to do; you don’t have to worry about anyone else!”

“Treasure those quiet, peaceful moments at home. If you’re married, you have to compromise ALL the time!”

“You’re so lucky you don’t have to get kids home to bed.”

Singleness is a gift that I have not always wanted. In my ordered scheme of things, I would be married with four children by now. As William Shakespeare might say in this context, singleness was thrust upon me!  God in his goodness, has taught me and shepherded me through this very, very long season of learning to navigate singleness. His rod and staff have guided me and comforted me. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing a bit of what it means to live as a counter-cultural single, how I have failed, and how the Church can become equipped to love and value singles. Important to note: every single person has a different story. I am only telling the story that God has written for me.  

So, my story…

After college, I had two assumptions: 1) I’d get a job, and 2) I’d get married. The job came (albeit in Bakersfield!), but no husband. So...I did what achievers do and earned a Master’s degree. Feeling accomplished, I again assumed that God would send me a husband. After all, I had a house that I owned, an excellent job, two degrees, a solid knowledge and love of the Lord, and a pretty great personality! I was a twenty-six year old grown-up. My expectation was that God would soon partner me with someone with whom I could build a family, especially since my part of the “life equation” appeared in order.  During this time, God started to fan a different desire, one that had been placed in me as a teenager. On the eve of my twenty-ninth birthday, I was hired to teach at an international school in Albania. I sold my house, quit my job, and eight months later moved to the Balkans.

Teaching overseas was an absolute joy. I did miss my family and friends, but revelled in the experience. My mom always calls my time in Albania, “the perfect storm.”  I was gifted with fellow adventurers. Practically the minute I arrived, I met three other single girls who loved people, traveling, fun, wine, and food. Our shared interests united us.  Here, my singleness did not ostracize me from community; it gave me community. This was freeing. Then, after two years, I moved to Ukraine where I was greeted with different community. There were many Christian couples with small children.  The couples embraced me as a sister and the children loved me as an auntie. The burden of singleness was not so heavy with others to share it. I am thankful that while I lived overseas God gave me opportunities to travel, work with orphans, share the Gospel, live in authentic community with other Christians, and truly love people who think and behave differently than me. He was expanding my heart and I believed I had found my life’s purpose.  

After teaching for two years in Albania and three years in Ukraine, God gave me a different call.  “Move home,” He said. A peace I never knew before surrounded me as I searched for jobs back home in California. I pictured myself in the Bay Area or Sacramento, surrounded by movers and shakers and ideal would-be marriage partners. However, God’s call was literal. I applied to over one hundred teaching positions in Northern California and no doors opened. I started questioning my decision to move home--whether I really had heard from God, or if it was just a wave of homesickness. By then, I was humbled enough to apply in Santa Maria just weeks after I had informed my mother, “I will NEVER move back to Santa Maria.”  (I didn’t have high hopes for life as an older single in a small town.) Within days, of course, I had two job interviews lined up and then a solid job offer. I was home.

Next week I will be focusing on the points from Aaron’s Singleness sermon and how those points have shown up in my experience as a single.  Now you have the backstory.

Before I share my thoughts regarding singleness I would like to state the views and opinions expressed are based on my experiences and interpretation of Christ living in my life.  

This past Sunday Aaron gave a sermon on singleness and my first thought was, “If I have to listen to another sermon on singleness I’m going…”  My second thought was, “this is probably the last time I will listen to a sermon on singleness as a single woman.”  My wedding is scheduled for later this year!  Since my engagement I have been thinking about the 20 years I have been an adult single (I’m 36).  Twenty years seems a bit dramatic because I probably would not have been married at 16, but this is the age I was allowed to date, the year my dad gave me a promise ring, and the year I really started thinking about being in a dating relationship with the hopes of marriage.  I desired to be married at a very young girl, but at the age of 16 it seemed like the start into the chapter of relationships.  I read books about dating, I listened intently in youth group, and I prayed asking Jesus to protect my future husband.  This is all great, but the journey which lay ahead was filled with much disillusionment and disappointment.

The summer of 2011 Aaron did a sermon series titled “The Summer of Love.”  I officially called it “The Summer of Pain” because I was still raw from a year long relationship ending because I would not compromise myself or rather “because of my rules” the relationship was not going to work.  Although, I am glad this relationship did not end in marriage, it was still a loss which I was grieving.  The sermon series seemed to put salt in the broken wound and remind me that I was not married and not even close to being married.  

I share this story because the church can be one of the loneliest places for a single person. Being in a room full of married individuals of all ages and seeing their children can be very difficult when you do not fit into this category. Aaron stated on Sunday that our society does not promote healthy singleness, but from my experience, neither does the church.  I am not stating this specifically about Element, although at times I have experienced it at Element, I am speaking about it as the Christian Church and Christian culture.  Yes, majority of the population seems to get married or at least cohabitate, but a single woman in her late 20’s or early 30’s who is questioned as to why she is not dating someone as to insist something is wrong with them is unacceptable. Although I have energy around being verbally questioned or patronized I believe Christ calls us to live day in and day out in the different seasons of life He allows us to go through. At the age of 36 I have had many years in the season of singleness and as my wedding is fast approaching I have found myself actually grieving the loss of my singleness.  

I do not want this to sound like I am not excited about my singleness coming to an end...Mark (my fiancée), I love you.  I am excited to become a wife and commit my body and soul to one man, but I also know marriage, just like singleness is going to bring a new set of challenges. I have not wasted my singleness and took advantage of the freedom and flexibility to follow my dreams.  And although I have been single for all of my adult life I have had the companionship of close family and my few kindred spirits.  Mark asked me last week what I was looking forward to the most about getting married and I said, “knowing who I am going to marry and not living in the tension anymore.”  

I could write an entire blog about living in the tension as a Christian woman who is dating, but what I found myself thinking about even as I write this blog is the concern I had over what society thought of me because I was “of a certain age and not married.”  How much more could I have enjoyed my life if I focused on the season I was living instead of the new season I wanted to be in?  I wanted to be classified into a different category, a category I felt had more respect and less judgement than a single woman. 

My prayer would be for the Church and society to view singleness, not as a category nor as a state which is inferior to the happiness of being married. My prayer is for single women and men to strive to live a life of integrity.  I have witnessed, if you cannot be trusted in the small things it is impossible to find contentment or happiness in a relationship where the goal is marriage.  Having integrity is such a better category to be put into than being placed into the category of a single woman. 

Here's an overview of all of our Gospel Statements for our series: Didn't See That Coming. Click on the statement to listen to the message.

We wish you a very Merry Christmas!
-Element

Did you miss our Agape Celebration at our new location? Watch the video we played that looks back at the last ten years of ministry at the corner of Skyway and Broadway!

As many of you know, one of our Elders, Jonathan Whitaker, is currently stationed in England. He will periodically write a blog for Element’s website, but hasn’t sent anything for a while. He is currently overseeing the base’s church ministry where he is stationed and wrote a blog for them. I thought I would repost it for you here:
 

 
This little kid sitting next to me, who says she looks like me, is one of the greatest blessings in my life. She doesn’t look like me, she looks like her mom, thank God. But, we’re wearing the same glasses, so that’s something, right?! The point is she is a blessing. Blessing is something I want more of in my life.

Blessing IMHO is a result of getting acquainted with the one who blesses… you know… God. Paul said in Philippians 3 that it was his “determined purpose to know God the Son.” Knowing Jesus is a pretty good way to bring more blessing into your life. But the biggest blessing on knowing Jesus is experiencing Him… yes you can actually experience the unseen God of the Universe in this life.
 
I personally have experience with this. Lots of experience. I am blessed and blessed and blessed. I would love to tell anyone who will listen and buy me a cup of coffee, all about it. But, for those of you who want to save a couple bucks or quid, as the case may be, I will give you the top three ways that I have experienced blessing from the living God.
 
First, through prayer. I pray with specificity. I pray, doing my best to trust that God will answer and I pray with my utmost effort for God’s will (not my desire) to be done. God shows up often immediately and in undeniable ways. Sometimes I have to wait, but I am always on the lookout for the results or a report of what God has done. Psalms 5:3 O LORD, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you[a] and watch. If you are intrigued by this, ask me any question you want. If you have never had a prayer answered, ask me about mine.
 
Second, tithes and offerings. In my decade of giving to the Lord out of what I now know is his money (not my money), I have never been able to give more to God than what he has given me in return. Disclaimer, this is not a get rich quick scheme. If you are giving in order to get something from God, that’s a bribe and that is sin. I’m talking about trusting God with your money. Give a little to honor Him and see what he does. Give a lot and watch Him show up in a major way. Remember the Widow in the synagogue who gave a mite. Monetarily it was worthless, but to her it was priceless because it was all she had. God wants you to give big with your heart. But, if you want to know more, I will tell you a personal testimony that is nothing short of miraculous. (Malachi 3:10)
 
My third tip for experiencing Jesus is very simple. Honor him with your words and acknowledge him in public. 1 Samuel 2:30, tells us that those who honor God, will be honored by God. I wish more Christians would take God at his word. When I have been bold enough to speak out for Christ in my life, Christ in return opened doors for me professionally, academically, and personally. I’m not joking… there is no other explanation. Honor God and He will honor you.
 
These aren’t my tips for wealth, health, and fame. Nor are these tips advice for non-believers to get the proof that God exists, so they can believe. This is just my testimony as a believer, about the promises that God made to me and kept. I would love to tell any of you specifics, but I would rather you experience Jesus for yourself.
 
As for that pretty girl sitting next to me, she was just a blessing God gave me because He is good and He loves me.